“Take me to church! I’ll walk in the shadow of the… what are the words again?” – Me trying to sing Hozier
No, really… please take me to church, always. Whenever I’m having a tough time, a decision to make, something I need to think through or even just offer up to a higher being, church is the answer.
- Hurricane Sandy? Went to church.
- Heart failure? Church church church!
- Struggling with living with my divorce… Oh dear GOD did I go to church (ironic, I know… ‘Hey God… it’s me Chris… I have forsaken your holy words… please heal me’).
- When my marriage was not working out, heck… WE went to church!
I wasn’t a huge fan of faith growing up. I am not going to be sharing details about my family on this website, but the long and short of it was that my mother died when I was very very young. There was a general feeling in my household that God wouldn’t take the life of someone that young and that good. I still struggle with that. My mother was a beautiful human being who lived for her family. She literally wanted nothing more than for her kids to be happy. I still don’t understand how that pureness dies so young and I often wonder how I, who have made so many mistakes, get to exist. Maybe one day, we will have a talk about that, God.
But, I wound up attending a catholic college and getting my MBA at a catholic school, as well. I was immersed in faith, but it wasn’t something I had to do. I had the choice and decided it still wasn’t a part of my life. No, when I met my ex-wife, I remember saying to myself:
“Self… you have gotten yourself to this point. You have been a very strong and independent dude. You could quite possibly say that everything that has happened to you to this point has been your doing. But, nothing… nothing you ever did… put you in front of this woman. God did that.”
– Me, 2005
Once I decided that God was with me, my faith grew more and more as I found parts of church that I resonated with: the community, the spirituality, the self care and love, the belief in something greater, etc. For a while, things were going so well, that I kind of forgot that I was religious.
Here’s the deal:
When you’re living a great life and you’re happy, you forget to look to your faith. Because, why make time for God if you have so many good things going on, right? WRONG!
I even started filling my spirituality with martial arts. I mean, think about it right?
- Community – Check
- Spirituality – Check
- Self Care – Check
- Love – Check
- Learning – Check
But, there’s a difference between being spiritual and being religious. I’m always spiritual. But, sometimes I do forget to care for my religion. So, one day a few years ago I made a really bad decision. I hadn’t been offered a full time professor-ship yet. I was desperate to teach, full time. So, I spoke to the chair of a fashion school in NYC about coming on with multiple part time roles:
- Adjunct Professor x 5 classes
- Career Counseling
- Light Recruitment
All for the wonderful salary/stipend of about 1/3 of what I was making in the corporate space… if I was lucky and kept getting renewed. So, what did I do? I quit my corporate job hoping that I would pull in some consulting work to make up the difference. Or that maybe we’d scrimp and save for a year and I’d get offered a full time job within academia.
I came home that night and told my wife (now ex-wife) what I had done. We had definitely discussed it the night before. This wasn’t a shock to her. She supported me, because she is awesome and had faith in me. But, did I have faith in myself? Ah…. here’s where it went wrong.
I did not. I came home and told my wife that I had put in my notice at my job. And, she was happy for me! I was scared shitless. And, I immediately broke down and cried. I didn’t have the anxiety I have today. Or, maybe this was a precursor to it. But, I went to the bedroom and I cried. I cried and stopped breathing. My chest was in pain and my brain was fuzzy (aside from the splitting headache I had- perhaps dehydration from crying? Who knows).
My wife was a tough woman when she needed to be, caring when she needed to be, and both…. pretty much always. So, she laid with me for a few minutes and listened to my breath after I caught it, her head bobbing with the expansion of my chest and shaking with my crying. She stood up.
“Okay, get up…” she said. “We’re going to church.”
Church? Suddenly it was clear. How could I have forgotten God? That’s why I’d lost faith in myself. I was building a life in capitalism and excitement without acknowledging my faith? I was so wrapped up in positivity I forgot to be thankful. And, now I needed them. Shoot… What happened?
What happened was that I didn’t “need help” from God, so I forgot about them. Or at least I didn’t think I did. Have you ever noticed that we go to church less when life is going well?
So, I got up and I went to church. And, I prayed on the decision I made. Ultimately, I decided to go back into my boss’s office the next day and beg him to forget I had put in my notice, which ultimately he did. Hooray!
Imagine if I’d just gone to church a few days earlier?
So, a few people have asked me lately, “What’s going on with your faith, lately? All of a sudden you’re religious?”
No, I have always been religious. But, when life is moving at 1000 miles an hour, we forget to check in with God. And, when life slows down, we remember… good or bad. Right?
For the past few months, I’ve been checking in with God and have been a more forgiving person… but forgiving of myself. I’ve been acting in accordance with them and hoping that I see myself as they see me, a kind and loving human.
I’ve even been reaching out to people and apologizing for some actions I may have taken when my life was moving, quickly. Unfortunately, it hasn’t always been taken well and I have to wonder if it’s because I haven’t been remembering to thank God when I was moving so quickly. Karma, right?
So the moral of the story is that faith is a huge part of my life… and if it’s a part of yours, then we need to remember to keep God in our decisions and actions even when we think we are sure of ourselves. Because they may make us think a little differently, for better or worse.
If this is something that resonates with you, let’s talk about it.