“Ward
I think you were a little hard on the Beaver
So was Eddie Haskal, Wally and Ms. Cleaver” – Eminem, 8 Mile
It’s been an interesting few years. Learning accountability, even before my cancelation. Changing patterns. I used to have a group of folks I called my business advisory board- marginalized women and men who would tell me the missteps I was making as I built the largest plus size media brand in the world. Unfortunately, a lot of those conversations were filled with “yes” conversations. “Great idea… love it… keep going…” Some of that was because I had hired these folks to work for me. I’ve understood more of it later to be how drawing I was. And, that’s not arrogance. Have you ever assessed yourself? Looks, intelligence, humor, style, the way you make people feel? Did you know that up until a year ago, I had no idea that I was attractive? Again… not arrogance. I see it, now. I was really blinded to it. Every time I got a date, even with some notable folks, I thought to myself “They must feel badly for me. Well.. I guess I am lucky.” Every success I had was seen as a failure because it didn’t match my ambition.
One of the things I was focused on… dropping that “playboy” persona. It really was an awful way to be perceived. Remember who you’re looking at: a man who literally thought he was a burden to people. That nobody wanted him around. Did you know I used to have a rotation of girl friends I would call in high school, hoping one of them would want to go out with me? That I used to leave my lunch table and help kids do their homework (or do it for them) to make friends?
Now, picture this kid as an adult. A defensive, insecure, magnetizing… idiot. I had to make a change so that my business would thrive, I could protect myself, and stop hurting others by treating them as if they were expendable because I was so defensive… so blatantly hurt by the slightest rejection.
As I began to make those changes (changes I am still making… still growing into, every day), a group of folks decided it was time to expose a “monster.” Hey… if it were all true… I’d have taken my beating. But, you don’t turn a player into a… well… the words they used. And, you don’t fabricate/lie just to prove your point.
To this point, I’ve been subtly displaying my new energy. But, unfortunately… the life I’ve worked my ass off for is in jeopardy. Yes, I am accountable. And, I have been working with coaches and professionals to understand how my actions and words hurt people. But, did being an ***hole warrant my life being destroyed?
Ward… I think you were a little hard on the Beaver.