Today I’m 35. Do I look back or forward? Some internet folks say that looking backward signifies depression. Looking forward signifies anxiety. Almost 5 years ago, I was told I needed emergency heart surgery or I would die. Less than a year after that, I was googling how hard I needed to hit the window of my 9th floor hotel room in Atlanta to shatter it because I placed my energy in the wrong things, in unrequited love I couldn’t change … and lost faith in myself.
Spoiler alert: I learned that jumping makes nothing better, which is partially why I wrote this letter. Before you wonder if I’m okay and tell me you’re concerned, I truly appreciate it. But, I’m completely and utterly fine, which is why I can talk about it today. We need to get over the stigma that mental health is not something we can talk about. But, I do love my life and will never… ever… let anyone or anything bring me back to that place. I have been writing for over 20 years and since then, my words became the fuel I grew from. I learned the value of my life and I learned that I have too much to do to let someone else make an influence on when I’m done. And each day, I learn a little bit more. I remember how awesome it is to be me and I am humbled by those I interact with every day, trying my best to learn and grow from them.
Tomorrow comes whether you want it to or not. I’ve learned that over and over. You have to face the flood damage from the rain storm. Maybe you even left the door open. Maybe you left the sink on. Life doesn’t always “happen” to you. But, the sun shines brighter after the clouds are clear. Your eyes shut for so long, hoping the darkness wouldn’t get in. When you open them, you forget how beautifully they can see. You get so caught up in the stuff that you’ve gone through, wanting someone, anyone, to notice that you took some hits. You forget the doctor you became, the love you found the next day, the jobs you landed, the friends you made along the way.
I’ll be embarking on a road trip to change my life… I’m moving west to focus on my career, and some INCREDIBLE new recent projects I’m excited about.
I told my father recently, who becomes more and more a challenging mentor with each passing day, that I’m so tired of pretending to know how smart I am.
“If we knew everything to be as heavy as this empty can, would we ever know how strong we truly were?”
– House of Cards (Great movie, a must see!)
Do you look forward or look back? Are you depressed? Anxious? Or is it almost the roaring 2020s and you are in a lost internet generation, wondering how everyone else before you did it?
They did it because they had to. You’ll do it, too, however you can, and however that looks. You are here, you hear the cries of your soul telling you where to go next. You know the way. Take it, even if it’s just one step forward today. Your life is a blessing and whatever higher power or karma you believe in has brought it all together for you to exist and be the incredible rainbow colored snowflake atop a unicorn’s horn that you are.
I look not forward nor back, but all around me. The past, present, and future are all over and in each breath I take. Every time a gas bubble in my chest moves I wonder if today is the day I need to call someone for help. Did I renew my health insurance? Did I renew my life insurance? And when I read some things on the web, it does trigger that raw emotion of that hotel room in Atlanta.
But I open my eyes to the sunlight, walk my dog, read a bible passage, and remember that God created me to be an arc, holding all of the creatures of emotion and imagination that they wished for me.
Today I look around me and I see close friends and family who have been with me for what feels like an eternity:
- The third grade kid who said “Hey, you’re big and I’m a wise ass who gets in trouble. Let’s be friends.”
- The man who sat up in bed with me and told me that he gets scared too sometimes. But, going to sleep makes everything better.
- The woman who married into a family of two rambunctious kids.
- The teenager who stuck up for me on our block when I was being bullied at school. He still gets protective. If someone is going to tease me, it’s going to be him.
- The family members who raised us. The ones who put up with these silly articles and posts, knowing its my dream to write and create content.
- The dudes who were there for my wedding, the few who were there for my divorce.
I feel my mother from heaven knowing damn well that she’d have smacked me a few times in the past 30 years… but also knowing that she lives within me and is more proud of me than I could ever be. Every time I look in the mirror, pray, visit her grave, I can see her as clearly as I see myself.
I look to myself. And I look to my chest, which holds my imperfect but beautiful and passionate heart. I look to my unique artistic analytical brilliant brain which continues to learn from its mistakes and attempt to slow down my very sharp New York mouth. And I see through the translucence of self into a soul which is not done growing, learning, and being a better human.
Do you look forward or look back? I don’t know which I’ll do, today. Perhaps I’ll stand right here and look around for a moment. But I’m seeing clearly and that’s all that matters.
I require nothing today. But, if you would like to give me a birthday gift, I’d love to know one thing you’ll do this week for you, to appreciate the life you have. Each year older is a celebration of the amazing self that you are, the human being that was breathed into by the grace of this earth (I believe in God, you don’t have to to appreciate that something more than matter is in you) and exists to be incredible, unique, and true. Feel free to email it to me or message me. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. But, please do it for yourself. What a gift it would be for us to all remember that life is beautiful and warm and we have already done “the thing” we think we are waiting to do. We are alive and that is a beautiful present to hold.