“We had a life, we had a love!
But you don’t know WHAT you’ve got ’til you looooooooooose it…
Well that was then and this issss nowwwwww!
And I want you BACK!
How many times do I have to say I’m sorraaaaaay?
Yes I’m sorraaaaaay”
Something Happened on the Way to Heaven… Sing it with me. Do you know it? One of my personal favorites! Check out the video below:
Phil Collins dude… that man… damn can he sing! Apparently, the rest of the lyrics talk about how his lover can run and hide but he’s not leaving… a little creepy… but it’s Phil Collins and I enjoy MOST of the song.
Now, I’ve been told I’m a decent singer. I don’t believe it. I feel like I sound terrible. That was not a cry for attention or plea for compliments.
But, a few years ago, the entire eastern seaboard from New York to Alabama and back was my stage….erm… rather my soundproof studio… erm… my car… I drove my car and sang the entire time. Songs like that one from Phil Collins, Eminem’s Stronger than I Was and this gem from Vertical Horizon:
By now you’re asking yourself… Why is this relevant? I was asking myself the same question. Well, let me explain a few things:
- I had some vacation time to kill.
- I had no Joker dog yet!
- I was lost and heartbroken.
- I had spent most of my money for the year trying to impress the lover I was being asked to take a break from. But, I still wanted a reprieve from life on a budget.
So, lost, I rented an SUV, packed a small bag, put “South” on my GPS and stopped only for inexpensive hotels, truck stops/diners, and antique stores. I saw a few friends along the way who invited me to their city to hang. Once in a while, I taxied to the nearest bar to catch a drink with the local lovely humans, explaining of course that I was from out of town and would be leaving shortly.
“Oh my, a New York man… buy me a drink.”
Wait, didn’t you decide to stop spending money on other humans to impress them? Oh, c’mon… what’s one more… right?
“Bartender!”
But, when I wasn’t galavanting, seeing friends, or eating amazing greasy food, guess what I was doing… driving. And, what made the drive go more smoothly? Singing.
I was singing about the woman I thought I loved. She asked to take a break from our relationship. There were a lot of reasons that it hurt that I’d rather not get into. It’s not a story I talk about often but when I’ve alluded to my bout with massive depression and suicide a few years back, just after my heart surgery, this would be the time. I spent so long trying to gain this woman’s attention, trying everything I could do to keep it and keep her interested. I even asked her to marry me! And, she said yes.
But, as all things go without a foundation, the house crumbled as quickly as we put it up. This was a woman I couldn’t believe had given me the time of day. At the time, I felt like the luckiest guy in the world to have gained her favor. What I found out after some time was that I was overlooking some glaring issues that both of us probably should have been paying attention to like compatibility, realism, and mental health… we weren’t good for each other. And, we kept fighting it because we wanted it to work.
Yet, for the first part of the trip, I sang my heart out to a woman who wouldn’t speak to me. When she said she wanted a “break,” I think she really wanted to break it off, completely. But, perhaps she didn’t know how to say it. At the time, I just wished she would just hear me out. I wanted her to want to talk to me so badly. I even collected her antiques at every antique store just for her, hoping she’d come back and I’d give them to her.
Finally… on the 11th and final day of my trip… she texted me
“I miss you.”
Maybe she didn’t even start with that. It may have been just any old text. But, she had to miss me because she texted me right? And, that’s how I remember it.
Eventually, she and I patched things up, temporarily. I got back home and so did she from her travels and work. We spent a night together talking and cuddling and remembering. But, something happened after that trip, the trip I spent singing about how much I missed her… alone in my car. I realized…
The best relationship you can have is with yourself.
The details of the relationship are not something I am willing to share. But, let’s just say it wasn’t healthy and I lost myself completely in it. I was so proud to be _______’s fiancé and completely ignored that I was also Christopher Salute. After that road trip and spending some time alone, I realized that being me had to come first and foremost.
So, a few weeks later, we split up for good. It was my doing. Unfortunately, the on again off again nature, combativeness, and overall toxicity of a relationship that I fantasized about for far too long created a dissonance in me that I just couldn’t get over that easily. It’s something my Talkspace therapist and I still talk about to this day. And, it probably impacted/impacts all of my other relationships. Perhaps one day it won’t.
She moved on… so did I. I can’t say that I completely stopped the pattern of chasing women who were high profile… potentially hazardous for me… and probably not compatible. And, I still do love singing those songs. But, we’re growing each day and changing things, right? The pattern eventually stopped little by little. And, you remember that YOU are still standing.
“I’m still standing… yeah yeah YEAH!”
Sorry, no more singing. I’m done now. Promise!